http://alastaloved.org (till everything you say is just another bad about you) Fri, 07 Nov 2008 04:50:45 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en inside we are relatively sedate.  we clink glasses.  for me, the sedate is because i don't believe.  i have been let down by this country for too many years, for my entire adulthood.  i am skeptical.  afraid to be excited and have it torn out from under me. but the streets ... http://alastaloved.org/?p=72 lazy saturday late afternoon outside the landrymat.  it is the first time i've left the house all day.  from early evening sun to artificially glowing windows, i watch the light change across the face of the towering buildings--the walkups are already shadowed.  i haven't actually washed my own laundry in ... http://alastaloved.org/?p=68 i sniff, and sniff and sniff as i roam the back freezer aisles of the d'ag.  rounding the corner i pass a staff member, male, whose eyes i can feel on me as i struggle with my snot situation.  i can see that he is worried, tell by the look ... http://alastaloved.org/?p=61 it is easy to forget.  when every day becomes the same walk, same subway, same desk and back again.  or worse: same bedroom, same living room and back again.  when it is the grocery store that is two blocks away and the coffee shop on the corner and chinese takeout ... http://alastaloved.org/?p=52 on september seventh. on days like this my face feels like it is going to fall off.  like the pulsing pain in my head will no longer be contained.  it will beat forth, taking half my skull and all of my face with it. on days like this i need a distraction ... http://alastaloved.org/?p=40 some days i start to live like i can almost let go. and then there is today. seven. http://alastaloved.org/?p=45 i do not hesitate when eml suggests coming to new york.  i offer our pull-out, and in the end, because the roommate still hasn't moved in (five months later), i give her the extra bed. when she arrives i nearly trip down the flight of stairs between us, i'm so excited ... http://alastaloved.org/?p=35 i feel seventeen again as i pile out of the vehicle with ab and nb, clutching my six-pack of alcoholic beverages.  you did this in high school--walked around the party holding onto your six-pack.  because if you didn't, someone else would drink it.  and its not like those drinks were ... http://alastaloved.org/?p=30 i write as my heart is pounding.  with anger, and frustration, and fear.  and i think of the conversation l.m. and i had this afternoon.  about writing and regret.  about holding onto things.  or being able to take them back.  like erasing the words--from the internet, from your hard drive--could ... http://alastaloved.org/?p=22 the house is precisely the same shade of blue as the sky, so that the white porches look as though they are floating precariously in the air over the bluff.  at first i believe it is floating, magicked up there like a scene from a harry potter film.  like the ... http://alastaloved.org/?p=14